Thursday, February 17, 2011

Sinking and staying afloat

Victories seem so fleeting, as the depression creeps its way in
I'm struggling to stay above water, and I know that this is a sin
Don't know if it's discontentment, but I don't feel I can win
Giving it to God, feeling better, then feeling this pain again.

I know He's bigger, I know He's greater – I know good Christians don't feel this way
He's in control of everything but the Enemy's not letting me feel well today

Allergies that feel like an awful cold, my throat is raw and sore
From coughing for days on end, reactions unlike I've had before

I'm done second-guessing myself, I'm done second-guessing God
I just hope and pray that some relief will be brought

I am blessed so well, I know these things – they permeate my mind
A gorgeous daughter, blessed pregnancy, and a husband who's so kind
I've got two mothers who love me dear, one from marriage and one from birth,
I know God loves me so much that He died but I can't feel my own worth.

I've been given a job that is full of joy, surrounded my loving people
I've got a beautiful church family and pastor who minister under the steeple
I know I'm lucky, and I'm SO GRATEFUL, and I don't know what to do
These feelings continue for me when I've prayed and read my Bible, too.

I don't know what it is that has me down -
I'm not taking my life for granted
I feel blessed for every day He's given
But my mood's been disenchanted.

Am I a failure? Should I do something? And if so, what to do?
I'm giving this awful spirit and heart-feeling right back to You.
You have made me for a purpose, that I know is true...
Is finding this purpose stressing me so much that I'm of no use?

I know that you'll win this battle for me, God
I'll just keep relying on You
I know I shouldn't pray this way, 'cause you've got a plan
But I hope you win it for me soon.

I'm broken, and I can't find which part
Has led to the breaking of my fragile heart
But I know that your servants never suffer in vain
When I am weak, You are strong in my pain.

8:55 AM

Haunted by my Ex

You stalked me in a dream last night,
The way you used to do
With arms around me, held me tight
And tried seduction too.

You spoke to me of marriage,
A romantic rendezvous
You lived and died, for all those years
Yet steadfast: your worldview.

But things had changed, and I had changed
I belong to Cam, not you
I told you that my heart's not yours,
So you threw me across the room.

I knew that this must be my time,
So, running on my feet,
I knew I had to get away
Or you'd come after me.

I heard you say, “Come back, come back!”
It was a feeble plea.
But desperation turned to anger
As violent as the sea.

I frantically tried to open the locks
I took them two at a time
I opened the front door, forgetting about
The security door behind.

With you almost upon me now,
I whispered a silent prayer:
“God, help me!” and so He did
As I ran into the open air.

I kept on running, as you screamed,
“COME TO BED!” with an unearthly roar
But then I woke from this nightmare of you
And life was just perfect as before.

I have been blessed with my wonderful man,
And beside me, our daughter soundly slept.
I have another child waiting inside me -
From a nightmare, to a dream, I was swept.

6:34 AM 2/1/11 JW