Sunday, September 4, 2016

One Day You'll See

One day you'll see that all these blogs were just me trying to get you to understand. You say you know me... but do you really? You say you're my friend, but do you really care? It might be silly to you, that I feel compelled to write out my life story, and whatever's on my mind... and I try not to get upset, because I know everyone's different... but sometimes, it's hard not to feel hurt.

"Your story is important." Everyone keeps telling me that. But is it really? If so, then why do so many people skim over my story or never read it at all? Who on earth could this story possibly be important to?

I try to stay positive, but some days I struggle... this is one of those days.

So one day... you'll see that I just wanted you to understand... and one day, you finally will.

After I die, you'll look back on my writings because you'll miss me. You'll want to feel closer to me, but you never really tried when I was alive, did you?

I wrote this on 6/23/14.

I was struggling so much when I wrote this. I had postpartum depression, probably, for far longer than I should have. I didn't want to admit I might have it, because admitting would mean that I didn't have things all together. It would mean I wasn't a "good Christian". It would be weak of me... so I decided to try to ignore the pain in hopes that it would go away.

I finally had something happen that forced me to realize that I needed help. It was really scary, but I got the help I needed and started talking about the problems/fears I had rather than trying to avoid or ignore them. When I went to therapy, I bawled like a baby, every single time. Simply because I was safe with her. I could cry and not worry about causing trauma to her (I was worried I'd upset my family if I cried with them... especially my young children). I was a wreck. I still am a wreck, in a lot of ways, but I'm feeling better.

I wrote this post in pain and anger. I was feeling lonely, unloved. I wanted someone to hurt like I did. I was contemplating suicide when I wrote this post... but, of course, I'd never have admitted that. That was my end goal though: Post an angry rant and somehow work up the nerve to hurt or kill myself, and then "so-and-so" would see this (or multiple friends/loved ones) and then THEY'D be sorry! I thought I was, at the least, going to end up in some kind of ward for mental disorders. I was worried someone would try to take my kids away. I love my kids so much, and I couldn't imagine even having one night away from them. I couldn't bear the thought.

Anyway. I'm hoping this blog inspires someone, somehow. Someone who believes they have to do everything right (you don't have to). Someone who is worried what will happen if they drop the fake happiness (pain doesn't heal well unless you first expose it). Someone who might be thinking the very same things I was thinking.

It will get better. I am living proof, and you will be too... if you just hold on. Please don't use a permanent "solution" for a temporary problem.

I am so thankful I didn't. I am blessed beyond what I could have imagined now. Every season of life has ups and downs... I know what it's like to feel like you're walking through pain that will never end. Get the help you need, whether it be talking to a counselor, confidante, psychologist... I was prescribed medication (I found something else that worked better for me, but I know medication helps a lot of people). Do what you need to do to get your life back. And know that I will be praying for you, friend. God bless you.