Anyone who knows me, knows I adored facebook... I practically lived on there.
My days usually consisted of getting up, waking up the computer, and promptly visiting facebook in an attempt to catch up with my friends. I'd scroll down my news feed, looking for things to comment on. I LOVED seeing all of the beautiful pictures my friends shared, especially when it was of them or their kids. There were so many wonderful things to do and see there! Commenting on photos, taking quizzes, playing games, messaging friends...
And that's why we had to break up.
You see, I have two beautiful daughters. Two blessings straight from Heaven. And I'm pretty sure God didn't give them to me so I could waste my time with them by being on facebook instead of paying attention to them. Instead of loving them, playing with them, caring for them.
I need to be a more attentive mother.
On top of that (and as you may have read from a past post), I am homeschooling my oldest in August. That's going to take all of my time and attention. I can't be torn between teaching her and going on a social networking site. I can't take her education for granted or put it on the shelf because it's just not as important as finding out who has the latest status update.
So I did it today... I prepared a week ahead by posting status updates saying I would be leaving, and asking email addresses from anyone who cared to keep in touch with me.
I was going to do it tomorrow... but I chose to do it today. Why? Because I started getting cold feet about the whole thing. I found myself rationalizing that I didn't spend THAT much time on facebook, and maybe I could control myself. (See, I've tried taking breaks from facebook before... and they worked, for maybe a week. Then I would find myself back online, and worse than ever. My poor kids didn't get much time with their momma at all. I was always too busy on facebook.) I told myself, "Maybe this time will be different! Maybe I will instantly be more mature about my facebooking choices, and not spend so much time on there. Maybe I will change!" but deep down I knew this wasn't true. My husband even started talking to me about it, "I thought you said you were going off facebook... why are you on there so much now? It's like you're trying to really milk it before you leave."
And he was right. I was.
I was trying to get as much in as possible... much in the same way a smoker will decide to quit on a certain day, and then chain smoke up until that point. I was milking it... I was overdoing it, even though I'd told myself I was determined to quit.
The thing is, the addiction didn't just stop there. I pushed the "deactivate your account" button, filled out the questionnaire (complete with pictures of friends who will all "miss me"), and finally confirmed that I was deactivating. My heart hurt as I did it. It literally ached... like I was moving away from friends forever, or like someone was dying.
Then I sat down for lunch. Camron had made some amazing tacos for us. I sat at the table, bewildered that I would feel so strongly about a website. In our table conversation, it came up that I had deactivated my account. I told Camron that my heart was hurting, and suddenly ended up bursting into tears. "It's so stupid," I said between sobs.
Yep, I am definitely addicted to facebook. That just confirmed it, if I'd ever doubted it before. I wasn't just letting go of a website, I was letting go of hundreds of friends I'd made on there, who I had grown used to seeing and talking to. I was letting go of my desire to always BE there... to want to be part of something all the time. I was letting go of my constant need for approval. I had grown so dependent on others that I'd stopped taking a stand for my views, instead pushing them aside in order to gain more "likes". I chose not to say what I really think about things, because I would be attacked by a slew of people who thought differently than I did and had absolutely no problem saying what they thought. I was letting go of my comfort, in order to do something reckless for the Lord.
No, I'm not going to a third world country to rescue orphans, but for me, leaving facebook was reckless. It was challenging. It was CRAZY, because I was so comfortable there. People knew me and I knew them. What would happen to me now?
Like I said, I just quit facebook today. I don't think I'm handling it well. I watched a few Tinkerbell movies with my kids, worked on our finances, and then felt compelled to blog about my lack of facebook. To me, that's like an alcoholic going on and on about how they're not drinking anymore. Kinda hard to get your mind off it when all you do is talk about it.
You know what? I think I'm actually gonna ask my mom about her twelve-step problem... because I think I could use all the help I can get. Yep, that's what I'm gonna do.