I was on the road of life, going towards God, but I had started caring more about people's opinions of me, and tried to look good to them. I decided to try to turn my life around, going the opposite direction that God wanted me to go, and I fell, hard. My world seemed crashing down around me and my ego went out the window. I realized how ugly I was and I didn't like it. I was numb... numb to God and numb to the things that once mattered to me.
I realized I didn't want to be this way forever, so I got help from people that I trusted and knew would not give me the wrong advice.
I had to get rid of the dirt, to clean up the wounds that I had gotten from the fall. I hated hearing how I would have to change, that I could no longer be as careless as I had been before.
That time in my life was filled with pain. I don't remember a whole lot, but I do remember much crying and screaming. I thought the pain would never end, and that nobody could ever know how much pain I was in. I had to try to be positive... to make people think I wasn't as hurt as I was.
Then, one day, I'm still not sure when, I realized it was gone.
I wasn't in pain anymore. I had been healed.
That scar was still there, but my heart had been healed.
During that time of pain, God also gave me joy.He gave me friends I could trust, that I loved, that helped encourage me in my walk with the Lord.
He gave me love letters.Some days, I would look at the sky and it seemed like He did all that work, just so I could see it at that moment.
He gave me hope: hope that I would one day walk with him and be beautiful to Him.
It was not until I fully submitted to Him and spent the time with Him He'd been pursuing me for, that I was able to shed the ugly masks I had once so proudly worn and stood before Him, vulnerable and broken. He took the grotesque ugliness of my sin and carefully crafted my character into that of a loving, caring woman. Of course I fell short, but now, when I fell, I knew exactly Who to run to, tears streaming down my face. For all the vanity and selfishness I had, for all the time I spent in front of the mirror those days, I had not even a whisper of the true, captivating beauty that only God can give.
Finally, through the course of the year (during which I had chosen not to date and instead focus on Jesus), God had, by his awesome might and power, transformed me into something lovely. A month before my year was up, my best friend of eight years fell in love with me in the middle of worship at a casting crowns concert.
Cam said that he knew, at that moment, that I was the one God had for him. I knew, at that moment, that I was having a very good time of worship. I love telling this story because it speaks volumes of how God operates. God is in the still, small voice, and if you're listening for a booming command, you may miss it. I did not instantaneously receive revelation of who I was to marry that night (although I must confess, I did have a strange feeling of being watched!). The Lord was so faithful to me in how He worked things out. I'd suffered such tragic endings looking for love and fulfillment on my own, yet when I was completely enthralled by his presence, he sets me up without my knowledge! God is so cool like that!
Cam kept silent the entire month (although he would sort of hint at things, which I chose to ignore, partially because I was supposed to not think about guys and partially because I thought he would NEVER fall in love with me) until November rolled around.
He told me of his affection at the end of a fun filled night of bowling and movies and Olive Garden. It was truly a magical night, albeit a little awkward at the end, considering I was not expecting such news. I wanted to say "YES!" right away, but had already experienced the downsides to emotional impulse. I told him I would pray about it, and six days later, we started the very beginnings of our two lives together.
Since then, I find that I'm learning new things every day, from him as a husband, and about how to better serve the Lord. I still have my selfish, ornery, spiteful moments, but the Lord has done much in me that I am grateful for. He is good!